Benefits

Having a sibling on the  spectrum does have a few benefits.  Cooper has grown up thinking that the lines at Disneyland are always five minutes long.  He gets discounted tickets to local sports events when they have autism awareness nights and he gets to attend cool events like horseback riding for free.

Recently Cooper reaped another benefit of having an autistic sibling.  During our spring break we went bowling with a local autism group. Cooper was not thrilled to go because being around autism is exhausting and he is not the best bowler.  When we arrived at the bowling alley we saw that they had the bumpers up for the kids.  Now for most autistic kids they need the help of the bumpers but Bailey can easily bowl between 70-80 without the bumpers.  Cooper unfortunately does not have the same gross motor skills as his brother. If there had not been bumpers up Cooper would have not hit one pin.  He left the event so proud of himself for having such high scores and even beating Bailey one time.

Could Cooper have that experience if Bailey was not autistic?  Probably not because the bumpers would not be available to him.  Thanks to having Bailey as his brother, Cooper had an amazing experience bowling that he will never forget.

Opportunities to Meet Peers

"For most parents, the thought of "going it alone", raising a child with special needs without the benefit of knowing another parent in a similar situation would be unthinkable. Yet, this routinely happens to brothers and sisters. Sibshops, listservs such as SibNet and SibKits, and similar efforts offer siblings the common-sense support and validation that parents get from Parent-to-Parent programs and similar programs. Brothers and sisters -- like parents -- like to know that they are not alone with their unique joys and concerns." from Don Meyer's article What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know.

When Cooper was two and half years old I had to quite my teaching job so I could stay home and coordinate Bailey's school and therapy.  We had moved to another state so there was a mountain of paperwork I had to fill out as well as a new system to navigate.  Once the dust settled, I realized that I needed to get Cooper out and about so he could meet kids his age.  Through an internet search I found this amazing group of moms.  Through this group of women, Cooper and I were able to make friends that not only accepted us into their group but Bailey as well.  Both boys were able to make friends but the biggest thing was Cooper was able to spend time almost everyday with other neuro-typical kids.  He learned from the other kids appropriate behaviors for his age, how to play with others, how to share, and many other typical things kids his age did.

After a year and half in that state we moved to the state we presently live in.  I went back to work and Cooper went to all day preschool. On a daily basis he was interacting with his typical peers which prepared him for elementary school.  Cooper is a very social boy that is friends with everyone.  Once he entered elementary school this was very evident.  He received many birthday party invitations which we made sure one of us would take him and only him so he could be a typical kid at his friend's birthday party.

At age seven years old, Cooper is involved in soccer and karate which he enjoys doing.  We love having Cooper participate in these activities because he gets the opportunity to be a typical kid.  When he is with his typical peers, he is easy going and happy go-lucky, all things we love to see him be.  

Right to a Safe Environment

"Some siblings live with brothers and sisters who have challenging behaviors. Other siblings assume responsibilities for themselves and their siblings that go beyond their age level and place all parties in vulnerable situations. Siblings deserve to have their own personal safety given as much importance as the family member who has special needs." from Don Meyer's article What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know.

This is an extremely important thing to both my husband and me.   We have never wanted Cooper to feel unsafe in his home so we have worked hard with Bailey to teach him to not physical assault others, specific Cooper. When Bailey was younger we had to restrain him so he would not hurt Cooper but that changed as he got older.  Though positive reinforcement we were able  to teach Bailey how to express his anger and how to treat Cooper.   Bailey will still scream and yell which Cooper can not stand but Cooper does feel safe in his own home.This has helped the boys to develop a sibling relationship that may not have been there if Bailey was physically aggressive towards Cooper.

Life Gets in the Way

It has been awhile since I blogged.  Life definitely got in the way.  Between work, the boys, and two foster kids, finding time to blog was hard.  We are now transitioning the foster kids to their family.  We had these kids for a year and half.  As we transition the kids back to their family, it makes me appreciate the time I have with both my boys.  They are both well behaved and quiet which is so nice to have after the chaotic life  we have had the last year and half.

I have a lot of catching up to do to finish my blogs on Don Meyer's article called What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know.  I hope you have find them helpful and interesting.

Expectations for the Family Member with Special Needs

"When families have high expectations for their children who have special needs, everyone will benefit. As adults, typically-developing brothers and sisters will likely play important roles in the lives of their siblings who have disabilities. Parents can help siblings now by helping their children who have special needs acquire skills that will allow them to be as independent as possible as adults. To the extent possible, parents should have the same expectations for the child with special needs regarding chores and personal responsibility as they do for their typically-developing children. Not only will similar expectations foster independence, it will also minimize the resentment expressed by siblings when there are two sets of rules -- one for them, and another for their sibs who have special needs." From What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know by Don Meyer.

My husband and I have worked hard to have similar expectations for our boys.  We don't want Cooper to resent Bailey because he is getting special treatment.  When he either boy does not complete work at school they both know that they will have to complete the work at home as well as do their homework for that night.  If either boy has a problem at school they are discipline in the same manner.  Holding Bailey to the same expectation as Cooper helps Bailey develop independence and helps Cooper feel like he is being treated fairly.   

Expect Typical Behavior from Typically-Developing Siblings

"Although difficult for parents to watch, teasing, name-calling, arguing and other forms of conflict are common among most brothers and sisters -- even when one has special needs. While parents may be appalled at siblings' harshness toward one another, much of this conflict can be a beneficial part of normal social development. A child with Down syndrome who grows up with siblings with whom he sometimes fights will likely be better prepared to face life in the community as an adult than a child with Down syndrome who grows up as an only child. Regardless of how adaptive or developmentally appropriate it might be, typical sibling conflict is more likely to result in feelings of guilt when one sibling has special health or developmental needs. When conflict arises, the message sent to many brothers and sisters is, "Leave your sibling alone. You are bigger, you are stronger, you should know better. It is your job to compromise." Typically-developing siblings deserve a life where they, like other children, sometimes misbehave, get angry, and fight with their siblings."  From What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know by Don Meyers

Bailey and Cooper have a typical brothers relationship.  They fight and pick on either other but will be a united front if one gets in trouble with mom and dad.  Having to deal with his younger brother's annoying behaviors I think has helped Bailey in many ways.  He is tolerate of others, is learning how to advocate for himself and stand up for himself, and learning how to relate to people.

No matter how much we try to teach Cooper to be an advocate for Bailey and to protect Bailey when we are not around, Cooper does submit to peer pressure.  One day a couple years ago, my husband picked the boys up from daycare.  He found Cooper with a couple other boys laughing and making fun of Bailey.  This was extremely devastating to us but we used it as a teachable moment.  It really made us remember that Cooper is NT and is developmentally in a typical manner.  Making fun of Bailey is a typical thing to do but how we handle the situation helped Cooper learn that it is not a nice or respectful thing to do to Bailey.

What are some typical behaviors your NT child/ren has done? 

Sense of Humor

Below is a blog written by Cooper about Bailey's sense of humor.  Enjoy!

Bailey has a big sense humor.  He finds everything fun.  Bailey's laugh is loud and lasts a long time.  He likes to laugh at TV shows.  We laugh together at the shows.  I like Bailey's sense of humor.